Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Five Minutes

My children know how to do life way better than I do. They attack it with a vengeance. They cry when they are sad. They laugh when they get something stuck in their teeth. They ask for what they want without pretense or apology. I like my children so very much.

Recently my 4-year-old son imparted wisdom to me.

It was almost bed time when his sister was found guilty of something or other and sentenced early to bed. When my son realized he was still free while his older sister was not it was as if the heaven's opened up and shown upon him. He was overcome with awe.

Being adults my husband and I reminded him that it was only five minutes and he was soon to follow his sister. He didn't care. He had five minutes.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

If you have ever prayed

This post promises to be unusual. A plea more than a post, unpolished.

A dear friend of mine has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It is advanced. I feel odd even writing that. Like it is pretend, that I am making it up. It was only a few months ago that I typed the same words to you about my dear step mom.

God is mysterious.

My friend is more than a friend. Her name is Lynne Ott. She is our Pastor's wife. She is the mother of four boys, now men, but still boys when it comes to their mom. She is a grandma. She is one of the most naturally gifted people I know. She is creative, witty, and beautiful. She could have done anything she wanted to do with her life, would have been a success in any field but she chose to give her life to a rag tag group of grumpy believers in rural Pennsylvania as her flock, as her own.

Friday, August 10, 2007

My newest challenge

I have the habit of making up little games for myself, challenges of sorts. They usually last for about a month either then becoming habit or passing fad.

They come in all shapes and sizes. One was the , "immediately do anything that takes less than one minute" challenge. For example, the dishwasher needs to be unloaded, I however, really want to sit down. I know it will take less than a minute (yes, I have timed it, that's part of the psychosis) so I do it. Another time I actually decided to use commercial breaks to do something productive. During commercial breaks I would vacuum a room, fold a load of clothes, clean up toys... This only lasted for about one episode of "the Office." Commercials are for getting snacks. Everyone knows that.

My newest challenge began on July 8th. It was about 8:45pm and I had gone to bed early. At about 9:00pm I heard an explosion and instantly remembered our town's fireworks had been postponed until that night. I love fireworks and since we can see them perfectly from our front yard, I went out in my pajamas, hair in a ponytail, glasses on. Our neighbors joined us so what did I do? Enjoy the fireworks with child-like abandon? Oh, No. I chose to let everyone know I was aware of the fact that I was in pajamas by saying loudly, "Yes, we forgot the fire works were tonight. I had already gone to bed early, I was really tired."

When we went inside I was struck with the absurdity of myself, how what I was really saying to my neighbors was, "Please don't think I am lazy because I was obviously in bed at 8:45. It isn't normal for me. Also, I know I look a mess, I am aware of it, I only look this way because I was asleep." Now this is absurd on two counts 1) I am in pajamas, it is obvious that I was either in bed or ready for bed and 2) NO ONE REALLY CARES!

At that moment my newest challenge was born, the "Don't say anything that you are only saying in order to explain yourself away" challenge.

Some more examples. My neighbor stops by and sees play dough all over the table. I say, "Excuse the mess, my kids were playing with play dough." What I am really saying is, "Please don't think I am a slob, I am aware of the mess, it is only there because...." Or Someone asks you to attend a house demonstration party (A Pampered, Princess House, Tupperware party). You do not want to attend. However, when asked you feel the need to give or even worse, make up an excuse for your refusal rather than simply saying, "No, thank you."

In short I, we, have decided that kind and confident honesty should be replaced with fake niceties. That winning the approval of others, that perfectly sculpting our image is a valid pursuit. It is not.

The Bible speaks about this pursuit in Galatians when it says, "Am I trying to win the approval of men or the approval of God, am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to win the approval of men I would not be a servant of God." In high school I read this and longed for the time when I would be free from peer pressure, free from trying to be liked. I now know peer pressure never ends. It just changes.

Today my peers are mostly believers and the pressure comes in forms like keep smiling, keep serving, keep it together and for heaven's sake don't do such and such. The pressure is there and I still fall prey to it making me realize even more that Paul was right, this type of behavior does keep me from being a servant of my God. It gets in the way of me being the me He created. The me He wants to shine through. If I am so busy explaining myself away there isn't much time left for sharing Him, for looking to Him, for enjoying Him. Oh, you better believe I am still His child, I am still His beloved, but as for being a servant it can and has rendered me useless.

Perhaps that is why this challenge is not nearly as easy or as trivial as unloading the dishwasher. We tend to think there are only two choices, to be a people pleaser or to be obnoxious. Christ calls us to be neither yet living in freedom doesn't come naturally. It will not be done in my own strength. It's not my challenge. It will only be accomplished by the God who says to me, "Since, Jessica, you have been raised with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things, For you died, and your life in now hidden with Christ in God. And, Jessica, when Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory!"

When I live in these words, when my mind is set on living a life worthy of this calling all else really does grows strangly dim.

What freedom can be ours. I want to live in it!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

My Questions and His Comfort

I have had a bad month.

My due date for the baby we lost in November came and went and I chose not to mourn it. I remembered it, but it fell on the same day as my stepmom's surgery. As I sat in the waiting room with my dad I vividly remember telling myself there were more pressing things than my due date. Those emotions would have to wait. Also, sometimes when we are in the midst of a struggle we refuse to feel it. We cope by pushing emotion to the side, unknowingly saving them for another day.

Now is that another day.

For the last few weeks I have been sad. Very sad, that feeling where you are functioning and going through the day but right in the background there is a dull ache. That's what it has been like. Perhaps you understand this.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

His Hand and my sunburn

This past weekend I spent the day at the beach with a friend from my childhood, a dear friend but one I do not see very often. It was just the two of us and we had a marvelous time doing absolutely nothing. We spent the day on the beach relaxing in the sun. Pure delight! I actually relaxed with my head down, eyes closed, not even facing the water! Those of you who are moms know what a rare thing this is, to have no worries of where your sand covered munchkins are or what they are doing, not scanning the water thinking, "Could there be sharks?" (I have a shark phobia. I'm neurotic).

My friend and I laughed a lot this weekend as we shared memories. She was the friend that I did things with that if my daughter ever does I will really want to send her away to some cloister. They weren't regrettable things or shameful things just mischievous, life endangering things. For those of you who have been in my Jewels of His Crown seminar I will sum it up by saying we are both bright sapphires! Sparks were always flying.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

"The God of the Old Testament"

"The God of the Old Testament”

I shudder when I hear this phrase. I shudder because it is usually accompanied by, "Well, let's not forget the God of the Old Testament, He was a God of wrath, He laid waste to nations. He is a God not to be messed with." I

I shudder because I know I have used the phrase in this very same way. The way which says, "Let's not get too carried away with this Grace thing, let's remember our boundaries, we are just worms after all."

I have a friend whose father loves to use this term. She has grown up hearing it. When she has fallen short of his expectations he has used many verses in a very damning way. One day when a group of us were discussing the love offered to us on the cross she quietly asked, "Well, what about the God of the Old Testament?" I knew instantly what she was asking. She wanted to know how the grace that is ours in Christ Jesus can be melded together with the stories of the Old Testament. Is the grace of Jesus Christ, the redemption and freedom of the cross something new that God came up with in between Malachi and Mathew? Was Jesus simply God changing His tactics and moving to Plan B?

Monday, June 4, 2007

Of dog dishes and Jeshurun

My littlest one has been driving me nutty over the past few weeks. She is almost 17-months old and she is a pistol. This morning I learned she can maneuver down the stairs. I discovered this upon finding her in our basement, dancing in the dogs water dish and having a marvelous time. Mind you, I had seen her in the kitchen only moments earlier and thought she was still there until finding her at the crime scene.

She is a corker. Add to this the fact that she has the biggest blue eyes and a smile that just makes you laugh and you have real cause for concern. She is hard to discipline while keeping a straight face.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I had forgotten

I have witnessed a miracle.

My step mom went in for surgery this week to remove as much of the tumor as possible and for a radical hysterectomy. The surgery was supposed to be about seven hours long as the doctor felt he would also need to remove as many of the affected organs as possible, perhaps the colon, parts of the liver, lungs, lymph nodes...recovery would include a breathing tube and days in the intensive care unit. The surgery itself was, at best, a risk.

After only three hours in surgery the doctor came out to give us what we thought was an update. Instead, he informed us he was finished and that it was the oddest surgery of his career. My step mom, he explained, does not have normal ovarian cancer. Instead, she has an extremely rare form of cancer, usually only found in young women, which is basically non-invasive, a cancer without the will to fight, sort of like a declawed, toothless lion. Although it had grown on other organs and was very large, it had not invaded into them and was therefore easy to remove and even better, easier to cure.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Not so much about me

I've been struck lately by how much we make life about us. I do it all the time.

My sister paid a surprise visit yesterday. She lives about 3 hours away and came to town to see our parents.

My sister is immaculate. I have never seen a speck of dust in her house. Never. Well, she rings the door bell, gives me a big hug, and asks to use my bathroom and all I can think is "Oh, no. Did the kids wipe their toothpaste out of the sink?"

Now here is my poor sister, who has driven over 3 hours with her children, who is coming home to visit our parents not knowing if she will see our step mom again and I, in my self-centeredness, actually think she is going to give a flying fig if my bathroom isn't pristine. Goodness, don't you think she has bigger things on her mind than my bathroom sink. How very self-centered of me.

We are so much about us.

We try to cover it up by saying things like, "I want to be an example to other's," or "I don't want to cause others to stumble," but usually, in reality, we're just worried about US. We're worried about what others will think of US if we are not at all the proper church functions, what others will think of US if we don't say "yes" every time we are asked to serve. We are worried about US when our kids misbehave or heaven forbid forget to say "thank you" to the waitress. We're just plain worried about US. How very US centered.

I think this is why Grace, real, messy Grace freaks us out so much. It's not about US. It is not about what we do, it is about who HE is. It takes the US out of the equation. It tells us it is by His will, His choice that we were born into Christ (Jam 1:18), it tells us it is He who makes us Holy, not US or our wills (Heb 2:11). It tells us that He gets all the credit. He has reconciled us to Him, He died to present us as holy and blameless (Col 2:22).

We like thinking we have somehow merited His favor. We like to measure our service, base our service on the rules of men (Isa 29:13). After all, it feels good to measure up. We make it about us. It is hard to realize our striving, our adherence to the law means nothing in the face of the One who is the end of the law (Rom 10:4). We would rather hold onto the cult we have created which tells us it is our pretty church dresses and our prohibition life styles that make us good.

Sadly, this "US" centered faith is robbing us of the joy of really knowing God, the God who says, "I will never reject my own" (Jer 31:37). The God who says there is "not one who is made righteous by observing the law" but then, in such grace, went on to make us righteous through the redemption offered in Christ Jesus (Romans 3:20-3:24).

I want to end by sharing with you that my sister loves me, really loves me. Yesterday she came to see me. She wanted to see her little sister. In the midst of a marathon day, she stopped to see me, not my clean house. I should have squealed with delight upon opening my front door and seeing her face. Instead, I robbed myself of joy, I traded it in for a few minutes that were all about me.

I don't want to make that trade anymore, especially when it involves the crazy Grace of my King. Any trading in reference to that is a very bad deal. Instead, I want to live in the radical joy of my salvation, a salvation that is not the least bit about me!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

For Just a Little While

As those of you have been reading these know, my step mom is facing a fight with cancer. I should rephrase that and say, cancer is facing a fight with my step mom. The woman is phenomenal. Her God is huge.

At her last appointment they drew blood. As the nurse prepared the needle she asked the normal question, "Do you have a hard time with needles?" My step mom smiled and simply said, "No, I don't. I have told myself ever since I was a little girl that the needle would only hurt for a little while and I can surely make it through a little while."

My step mom has been an anchor for my family. She is precious to us and we are scared. But, as I watched them draw the blood those words resonated in my heart, "It will only hurt for a little while, I can surely make it through a little while." I realized anew that no matter what happens in this situation, it will only hurt for a little while.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

The Warrior is Definately a Child

This is the second draft of this post. In the first draft I wasn't very honest. In fact, I was doing exactly what the post was talking against. I was hiding my tears, not letting anyone see inside of me.

This week my step mom, a woman who has been a mom to me for many years, was diagnosed with cancer, advanced cancer. It will require nothing short of a miracle for her to be spared.

Instead of sharing this in my first post, I decided to just share a vague lesson. In reality, I just didn't want to have two sad posts in a row. I didn't want to sound needy or to sound too despairing. In Christendom this seems to be a big no-no. I didn't want to again write and say my heart is breaking but it is. It feels smashed to pieces.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

My heart is broken

This week has been a week of tragedy. The brutality at Virginia Tech is something I can't get my brain around let alone write about. This week I found myself with my head down on my desk pleading with God on behalf of so many parents. Parents who lost their children.

My babies keep me from the arrogance of thinking I am a spiritual giant. I am not. I fear for them. They so easily become my idol - the things that make me say, "Oh, God, not them. Please don't use my kids. Don't make me one of those parents who share the miraculous things you have done after the death of a child they once held."

I am a frightened child.

A dear friend called me yesterday. She called to tell me her 13 year old brother had died. My sweet, precious friend has lost her baby brother, and her mother, a true Believer and enjoyer of our Jesus, has lost her son. She has gone from a mother of a healthy thriving boy to a mother in mourning within a matter of hours.

There is heartache in this world that can overwhelm.

Last night as I drove home in the dark I began pleading for Christ's return, pleading for the rapture. For Him to come, for Him to come and meet His saints in the air. For him to call the name of that poor mother, for her to hear the trumpet sound, for her to experience pure joy. For her to experience the ultimate healing her baby boy now knows. For her to be home free.

Now I am sitting here left with the words of my friend. With tears, she simply, but not simply at all, said, "God's plans have not changed. God's plans have not changed."

I have never heard such worshipful words. In the midst of pain, in the midst of anger, in the midst of a grief few of us will ever know, she utters, "God's plans have not changed."

Yet I, in my humanness, am paralyzed with the knowledge that a school building can be breeched without effort by a killer; or that a little boy can have only a slight fever one day and be dead the next.

In my humanness, I am afraid - in worship, I am transformed. This week, this very night, I will choose worship.

I will worship a God who rises to show me compassion (Isaiah 30:18)

I will worship a God, the only God,who went out to redeem a people for himself (2 Sam 7:23).

I will worship a God that consults no one (Isa 40:14), yet says to His rebellious people, "Come, let us reason together (Is 1:18).

I will worship a God who never sleeps nor slumbers (Psalm 121:4) but grants sleep to those He loves (Psalm 127:2).

I will worship a God who repays wrath to His enemies (Isaiah 59:18) yet sent His son to death , so HIS enemy I would no longer be (Romans 5:10).

I will worship a God who says to me, "though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor will my covenant of peace be removed." (Isa 54:10).

I will worship this God.

I am a frightened child, but I am a child of The Almighty God and I will live in Him. I will live in Him because there is life no where else.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Confessions of an inept control freak.

I am a control freak.

I've noticed when people say this they tend to almost be giving themselves a little pat on the back. They say it in the, "Oh, yes, I am a control freak" self deprecating voice but there seems to be a hint of pride. Sort of like, "Of course, I am a control freak. Look at me, look at how well I do things, look at how clean my house is, look at my "I see skies of blue" kind of life. Of course, I am in control. I know this is often the intent behind those words because, pathetically, I have often been the one saying them.

This week I came face to face with my control freakishness and realized although I may be a control freak, I am an inept one at best!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

My grocery store theology

There are some places where you can really hide who you are. Church for instance. We all put on a really nice face, smile and say hello. No matter how late you are running, how long it took your kids to eat their breakfast, how many times you had to search for your little boys Bible, or pick up his offering he had dropped for the seventh time, when you walk through those glass doors it's as if you've had an extreme make-over. Our lives are bliss!

Not so much with the grocery store...In the grocery store, no one pretends. If you are not someone who likes to chit chat, at church you still stop and give the obligatory few words, but in the grocery store you duck down the cleaning aisle to avoid contact. At church you wait patiently for your slightly long winded Pastor to wrap things up, at the grocery store you dart from line to line figuring out which one will be the fastest.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Easter meant more this year!

A few nights ago a few friends and I were talking about Peter. We were laughing about how he always seemed to be disrobing and jumping into water and how he tried to deny he knew Christ, even to the man who just watched him cut the ear off of his relative. The guy
seemed to have more nervouse energy than he knew what to do with, a sermon illustration just waiting to happen. I wonder if he takes a good ribbing from all the other saints everytime his name is mentioned from the pulpit.

After the conversation I started reading Peter's first letter to the scattered church. My first thought was, 'How can this be the same guy?' He is telling them to rid themselves of envy(2:1). Now this is the guy who, when Christ tells him he will face a martyr's death, his first words are, "Oh, yeah, well what about John?" He tells them to submit themselves to every authority(2:13), to be like Christ who did not retaliate in suffering but trusted himself to God(2:23). This just doesn't fit the Peter paradigm, for instance see the above mentioned ear incident!