I had forgotten

I have witnessed a miracle.

My step mom went in for surgery this week to remove as much of the tumor as possible and for a radical hysterectomy. The surgery was supposed to be about seven hours long as the doctor felt he would also need to remove as many of the affected organs as possible, perhaps the colon, parts of the liver, lungs, lymph nodes...recovery would include a breathing tube and days in the intensive care unit. The surgery itself was, at best, a risk.

After only three hours in surgery the doctor came out to give us what we thought was an update. Instead, he informed us he was finished and that it was the oddest surgery of his career. My step mom, he explained, does not have normal ovarian cancer. Instead, she has an extremely rare form of cancer, usually only found in young women, which is basically non-invasive, a cancer without the will to fight, sort of like a declawed, toothless lion. Although it had grown on other organs and was very large, it had not invaded into them and was therefore easy to remove and even better, easier to cure.

Not so much about me

I've been struck lately by how much we make life about us. I do it all the time.

My sister paid a surprise visit yesterday. She lives about 3 hours away and came to town to see our parents.

My sister is immaculate. I have never seen a speck of dust in her house. Never. Well, she rings the door bell, gives me a big hug, and asks to use my bathroom and all I can think is "Oh, no. Did the kids wipe their toothpaste out of the sink?"

Now here is my poor sister, who has driven over 3 hours with her children, who is coming home to visit our parents not knowing if she will see our step mom again and I, in my self-centeredness, actually think she is going to give a flying fig if my bathroom isn't pristine. Goodness, don't you think she has bigger things on her mind than my bathroom sink. How very self-centered of me.

We are so much about us.

We try to cover it up by saying things like, "I want to be an example to other's," or "I don't want to cause others to stumble," but usually, in reality, we're just worried about US. We're worried about what others will think of US if we are not at all the proper church functions, what others will think of US if we don't say "yes" every time we are asked to serve. We are worried about US when our kids misbehave or heaven forbid forget to say "thank you" to the waitress. We're just plain worried about US. How very US centered.

I think this is why Grace, real, messy Grace freaks us out so much. It's not about US. It is not about what we do, it is about who HE is. It takes the US out of the equation. It tells us it is by His will, His choice that we were born into Christ (Jam 1:18), it tells us it is He who makes us Holy, not US or our wills (Heb 2:11). It tells us that He gets all the credit. He has reconciled us to Him, He died to present us as holy and blameless (Col 2:22).

We like thinking we have somehow merited His favor. We like to measure our service, base our service on the rules of men (Isa 29:13). After all, it feels good to measure up. We make it about us. It is hard to realize our striving, our adherence to the law means nothing in the face of the One who is the end of the law (Rom 10:4). We would rather hold onto the cult we have created which tells us it is our pretty church dresses and our prohibition life styles that make us good.

Sadly, this "US" centered faith is robbing us of the joy of really knowing God, the God who says, "I will never reject my own" (Jer 31:37). The God who says there is "not one who is made righteous by observing the law" but then, in such grace, went on to make us righteous through the redemption offered in Christ Jesus (Romans 3:20-3:24).

I want to end by sharing with you that my sister loves me, really loves me. Yesterday she came to see me. She wanted to see her little sister. In the midst of a marathon day, she stopped to see me, not my clean house. I should have squealed with delight upon opening my front door and seeing her face. Instead, I robbed myself of joy, I traded it in for a few minutes that were all about me.

I don't want to make that trade anymore, especially when it involves the crazy Grace of my King. Any trading in reference to that is a very bad deal. Instead, I want to live in the radical joy of my salvation, a salvation that is not the least bit about me!

For Just a Little While

As those of you have been reading these know, my step mom is facing a fight with cancer. I should rephrase that and say, cancer is facing a fight with my step mom. The woman is phenomenal. Her God is huge.

At her last appointment they drew blood. As the nurse prepared the needle she asked the normal question, "Do you have a hard time with needles?" My step mom smiled and simply said, "No, I don't. I have told myself ever since I was a little girl that the needle would only hurt for a little while and I can surely make it through a little while."

My step mom has been an anchor for my family. She is precious to us and we are scared. But, as I watched them draw the blood those words resonated in my heart, "It will only hurt for a little while, I can surely make it through a little while." I realized anew that no matter what happens in this situation, it will only hurt for a little while.

The Warrior is Definately a Child

This is the second draft of this post. In the first draft I wasn't very honest. In fact, I was doing exactly what the post was talking against. I was hiding my tears, not letting anyone see inside of me.

This week my step mom, a woman who has been a mom to me for many years, was diagnosed with cancer, advanced cancer. It will require nothing short of a miracle for her to be spared.

Instead of sharing this in my first post, I decided to just share a vague lesson. In reality, I just didn't want to have two sad posts in a row. I didn't want to sound needy or to sound too despairing. In Christendom this seems to be a big no-no. I didn't want to again write and say my heart is breaking but it is. It feels smashed to pieces.