My newest challenge

I have the habit of making up little games for myself, challenges of sorts. They usually last for about a month either then becoming habit or passing fad.

They come in all shapes and sizes. One was the , "immediately do anything that takes less than one minute" challenge. For example, the dishwasher needs to be unloaded, I however, really want to sit down. I know it will take less than a minute (yes, I have timed it, that's part of the psychosis) so I do it. Another time I actually decided to use commercial breaks to do something productive. During commercial breaks I would vacuum a room, fold a load of clothes, clean up toys... This only lasted for about one episode of "the Office." Commercials are for getting snacks. Everyone knows that.

My newest challenge began on July 8th. It was about 8:45pm and I had gone to bed early. At about 9:00pm I heard an explosion and instantly remembered our town's fireworks had been postponed until that night. I love fireworks and since we can see them perfectly from our front yard, I went out in my pajamas, hair in a ponytail, glasses on. Our neighbors joined us so what did I do? Enjoy the fireworks with child-like abandon? Oh, No. I chose to let everyone know I was aware of the fact that I was in pajamas by saying loudly, "Yes, we forgot the fire works were tonight. I had already gone to bed early, I was really tired."

When we went inside I was struck with the absurdity of myself, how what I was really saying to my neighbors was, "Please don't think I am lazy because I was obviously in bed at 8:45. It isn't normal for me. Also, I know I look a mess, I am aware of it, I only look this way because I was asleep." Now this is absurd on two counts 1) I am in pajamas, it is obvious that I was either in bed or ready for bed and 2) NO ONE REALLY CARES!

At that moment my newest challenge was born, the "Don't say anything that you are only saying in order to explain yourself away" challenge.

Some more examples. My neighbor stops by and sees play dough all over the table. I say, "Excuse the mess, my kids were playing with play dough." What I am really saying is, "Please don't think I am a slob, I am aware of the mess, it is only there because...." Or Someone asks you to attend a house demonstration party (A Pampered, Princess House, Tupperware party). You do not want to attend. However, when asked you feel the need to give or even worse, make up an excuse for your refusal rather than simply saying, "No, thank you."

In short I, we, have decided that kind and confident honesty should be replaced with fake niceties. That winning the approval of others, that perfectly sculpting our image is a valid pursuit. It is not.

The Bible speaks about this pursuit in Galatians when it says, "Am I trying to win the approval of men or the approval of God, am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to win the approval of men I would not be a servant of God." In high school I read this and longed for the time when I would be free from peer pressure, free from trying to be liked. I now know peer pressure never ends. It just changes.

Today my peers are mostly believers and the pressure comes in forms like keep smiling, keep serving, keep it together and for heaven's sake don't do such and such. The pressure is there and I still fall prey to it making me realize even more that Paul was right, this type of behavior does keep me from being a servant of my God. It gets in the way of me being the me He created. The me He wants to shine through. If I am so busy explaining myself away there isn't much time left for sharing Him, for looking to Him, for enjoying Him. Oh, you better believe I am still His child, I am still His beloved, but as for being a servant it can and has rendered me useless.

Perhaps that is why this challenge is not nearly as easy or as trivial as unloading the dishwasher. We tend to think there are only two choices, to be a people pleaser or to be obnoxious. Christ calls us to be neither yet living in freedom doesn't come naturally. It will not be done in my own strength. It's not my challenge. It will only be accomplished by the God who says to me, "Since, Jessica, you have been raised with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things, For you died, and your life in now hidden with Christ in God. And, Jessica, when Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory!"

When I live in these words, when my mind is set on living a life worthy of this calling all else really does grows strangly dim.

What freedom can be ours. I want to live in it!

My Questions and His Comfort

I have had a bad month.

My due date for the baby we lost in November came and went and I chose not to mourn it. I remembered it, but it fell on the same day as my stepmom's surgery. As I sat in the waiting room with my dad I vividly remember telling myself there were more pressing things than my due date. Those emotions would have to wait. Also, sometimes when we are in the midst of a struggle we refuse to feel it. We cope by pushing emotion to the side, unknowingly saving them for another day.

Now is that another day.

For the last few weeks I have been sad. Very sad, that feeling where you are functioning and going through the day but right in the background there is a dull ache. That's what it has been like. Perhaps you understand this.

His Hand and my sunburn

This past weekend I spent the day at the beach with a friend from my childhood, a dear friend but one I do not see very often. It was just the two of us and we had a marvelous time doing absolutely nothing. We spent the day on the beach relaxing in the sun. Pure delight! I actually relaxed with my head down, eyes closed, not even facing the water! Those of you who are moms know what a rare thing this is, to have no worries of where your sand covered munchkins are or what they are doing, not scanning the water thinking, "Could there be sharks?" (I have a shark phobia. I'm neurotic).

My friend and I laughed a lot this weekend as we shared memories. She was the friend that I did things with that if my daughter ever does I will really want to send her away to some cloister. They weren't regrettable things or shameful things just mischievous, life endangering things. For those of you who have been in my Jewels of His Crown seminar I will sum it up by saying we are both bright sapphires! Sparks were always flying.

"The God of the Old Testament"

"The God of the Old Testament”

I shudder when I hear this phrase. I shudder because it is usually accompanied by, "Well, let's not forget the God of the Old Testament, He was a God of wrath, He laid waste to nations. He is a God not to be messed with." I

I shudder because I know I have used the phrase in this very same way. The way which says, "Let's not get too carried away with this Grace thing, let's remember our boundaries, we are just worms after all."

I have a friend whose father loves to use this term. She has grown up hearing it. When she has fallen short of his expectations he has used many verses in a very damning way. One day when a group of us were discussing the love offered to us on the cross she quietly asked, "Well, what about the God of the Old Testament?" I knew instantly what she was asking. She wanted to know how the grace that is ours in Christ Jesus can be melded together with the stories of the Old Testament. Is the grace of Jesus Christ, the redemption and freedom of the cross something new that God came up with in between Malachi and Mathew? Was Jesus simply God changing His tactics and moving to Plan B?

Of dog dishes and Jeshurun

My littlest one has been driving me nutty over the past few weeks. She is almost 17-months old and she is a pistol. This morning I learned she can maneuver down the stairs. I discovered this upon finding her in our basement, dancing in the dogs water dish and having a marvelous time. Mind you, I had seen her in the kitchen only moments earlier and thought she was still there until finding her at the crime scene.

She is a corker. Add to this the fact that she has the biggest blue eyes and a smile that just makes you laugh and you have real cause for concern. She is hard to discipline while keeping a straight face.