I have the habit of making up little games for myself, challenges of sorts. They usually last for about a month either then becoming habit or passing fad.
They come in all shapes and sizes. One was the , "immediately do anything that takes less than one minute" challenge. For example, the dishwasher needs to be unloaded, I however, really want to sit down. I know it will take less than a minute (yes, I have timed it, that's part of the psychosis) so I do it. Another time I actually decided to use commercial breaks to do something productive. During commercial breaks I would vacuum a room, fold a load of clothes, clean up toys... This only lasted for about one episode of "the Office." Commercials are for getting snacks. Everyone knows that.
My newest challenge began on July 8th. It was about 8:45pm and I had gone to bed early. At about 9:00pm I heard an explosion and instantly remembered our town's fireworks had been postponed until that night. I love fireworks and since we can see them perfectly from our front yard, I went out in my pajamas, hair in a ponytail, glasses on. Our neighbors joined us so what did I do? Enjoy the fireworks with child-like abandon? Oh, No. I chose to let everyone know I was aware of the fact that I was in pajamas by saying loudly, "Yes, we forgot the fire works were tonight. I had already gone to bed early, I was really tired."
When we went inside I was struck with the absurdity of myself, how what I was really saying to my neighbors was, "Please don't think I am lazy because I was obviously in bed at 8:45. It isn't normal for me. Also, I know I look a mess, I am aware of it, I only look this way because I was asleep." Now this is absurd on two counts 1) I am in pajamas, it is obvious that I was either in bed or ready for bed and 2) NO ONE REALLY CARES!
At that moment my newest challenge was born, the "Don't say anything that you are only saying in order to explain yourself away" challenge.
Some more examples. My neighbor stops by and sees play dough all over the table. I say, "Excuse the mess, my kids were playing with play dough." What I am really saying is, "Please don't think I am a slob, I am aware of the mess, it is only there because...." Or Someone asks you to attend a house demonstration party (A Pampered, Princess House, Tupperware party). You do not want to attend. However, when asked you feel the need to give or even worse, make up an excuse for your refusal rather than simply saying, "No, thank you."
In short I, we, have decided that kind and confident honesty should be replaced with fake niceties. That winning the approval of others, that perfectly sculpting our image is a valid pursuit. It is not.
The Bible speaks about this pursuit in Galatians when it says, "Am I trying to win the approval of men or the approval of God, am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to win the approval of men I would not be a servant of God." In high school I read this and longed for the time when I would be free from peer pressure, free from trying to be liked. I now know peer pressure never ends. It just changes.
Today my peers are mostly believers and the pressure comes in forms like keep smiling, keep serving, keep it together and for heaven's sake don't do such and such. The pressure is there and I still fall prey to it making me realize even more that Paul was right, this type of behavior does keep me from being a servant of my God. It gets in the way of me being the me He created. The me He wants to shine through. If I am so busy explaining myself away there isn't much time left for sharing Him, for looking to Him, for enjoying Him. Oh, you better believe I am still His child, I am still His beloved, but as for being a servant it can and has rendered me useless.
Perhaps that is why this challenge is not nearly as easy or as trivial as unloading the dishwasher. We tend to think there are only two choices, to be a people pleaser or to be obnoxious. Christ calls us to be neither yet living in freedom doesn't come naturally. It will not be done in my own strength. It's not my challenge. It will only be accomplished by the God who says to me, "Since, Jessica, you have been raised with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things, For you died, and your life in now hidden with Christ in God. And, Jessica, when Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory!"
When I live in these words, when my mind is set on living a life worthy of this calling all else really does grows strangly dim.
What freedom can be ours. I want to live in it!
